Saturday, June 6, 2015

War with JBF, Monster #5, Box 1: Cruel and Unusual Punishment

While a number of protocols for war arose out of various conventions in Geneva, the Geneva Convention Relative to the Treatment of Prisoners of War is the one most people know as the "Geneva Convention" in war.  Within this Geneva Convention, prisoners of war "shall in all circumstances be treated humanely."  Specifically prohibited is, in particular, "cruel treatment and torture."

Similarly, most people who have taken a high school civics course recall that the Bill of Rights to the United States Constitution -- specifically the Eighth Amendment -- prohibits the government from imposing excessive bail, excessive fines, or cruel and unusual punishments, including torture.

After opening Monster #5, it would seem that Jaybarkerfan is violating each and every possible protocol against torture.  

Those are strong words, I realize, but there is no way I can describe Monster #5 otherwise. But, enough description.  Let's let the photos speak for themselves.

A reminder: this is what showed up on my front porch a week ago:

The bottom box of these four was Monster #4, the Hall-of-Fame-filled package loaded with Paul Molitors and Robin Younts.  The incredible contents of that box will be tough to top for me -- though I think I have tried valiantly with my most recent remits to Hazel Green.

But Monster #5 is a three-box monster.  Three boxes.  JBF numbered the boxes for me, so I followed directions.  

We are talking about boxes here, so this post will focus only on box 1.  

It started out innocuously enough.  Based on the randomness of this monster and as will unfold across the three boxes of this monster, I think JBF was trying to help me replenish my 1980s oddball supplies.  For instance, let's start with some unopened super large one-card packs from 1981:

Being the nosy pack searcher I was when I was a kid -- you know, when all you had to do to pack search on these giant photo cards was look closely at the pack through the outer packaging to see who is in the package -- I was able to determine that all five of these are Texas Rangers from 1981 from the Home Team Series.  

If you're interested in those, please let me know.

Then, still in its original wrapping was this 1990 Classic Board Game set:

But then, this package starting going down a different road.

On the football side, JBF threw in the results of one of those University of Texas blasters that Upper Deck put out, including this:

Then it went ugly.  In a move I have to question strongly -- what self-respecting University of Alabama fan would have this in his possession? -- I found a ticket stub.

I mean, I could understand it if it were a decent game. I will watch the SEC game of the week on CBS every weekend so long as it does not conflict with my Georgia Bulldogs game. But, what could possess JBF even to have this ticket stub?  

Did I mention it looks like it was used, meaning that it appears that JBF -- a confirmed Tider Nation member -- attended the Tennessee v. UNLV game?

It's difficult to accept, I know.

Box #1 is truly random, though. I mean, this is the first time I have ever gotten a Beanie Baby -- or knock-off Beanie Baby -- in a trade:

I also got my first OYO figure:  King Felix!

The box started drifting away from sports, slowly but surely.  It turned to the Sports Entertainment field.  As a little kid, I had tons of Hot Wheels cars in addition to my baseball cards. I don't know where those cars are now, but I can add a couple more to them from Kane and the Undertaker: 

Thumb wrestling, anyone?

One final wrestling item was a doozy:  hours and hours of wrestling:

This was not the only DVD in the box, but it was the only sports DVD in there.  In fact, there were many DVDs in the box.  First off, we have a movie classic that we did not have in our DVD collection:

And now, for a little breakdancing action:

After that, it degenerated quickly.  Seriously, I started to wonder which of these items that follows was the Monster for this box.  

Was it the obvious answer, Dr. Doom?

Or, was it the package of Star Wars Villains?

I personally think, though, the monster was one of these last three.

First Monster Nominee

This might be a one of one -- it could be the only "Special Collector's Edition" in existence of this movie.  I showed my wife this one and she said, "Why?"  For a movie that is ostensibly a chick flick and coming from a woman who DVRs Lifetime Movies, that says volumes.

Second Monster Nominee

Nuschler.  Really.  Having Will Clark's huge chin popping out of the package was scarier than any Jason, Freddy, or Mike Myers. And yet, I'm still not sure that this is the worst, scariest, cruelest item in the package.  

In fact, I'm almost certain that this last one is.

Third Monster Nominee

Number 78 on the list of the worst 100 movies as rated by IMDB users (100 is worst) is this abomination.  When this movie was released, 2,215 theaters showed it during its first week out.  By the third week of release, only 73 theaters were still showing it.  It was withdrawn after that third week.  In the notorious Razzie Awards in 2003, it "won" Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Actress, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Couple.  Then, in the 25th anniversary Razzie retrospective, it won "Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Years."

Wes, please be advised that I will be contacting the proper authorities to take out a warrant for your arrest for the atrocity you have committed by sending a copy of the movie "Gigli" over state lines.

In all seriousness, I'm not sure whether to be impressed with the cruelty or dismayed at trying to figure out how to get rid of this movie.  

I think I'll leave it in my neighbor's recycle bin. But don't you dare tell anyone I did it.


  1. As a bystander in this war, I have to say right now that this is a post of the year nominee. You go through many stages reading it- excitement, fear, shock, enjoyment, laughter, crying, and head shaking. All of that before getting to Gigli.

    Bravo to both all participants of this war, but it gets any worse, a truce may need to be reached. :)

  2. You come to expect the unexpected with Wes, but this is beyond unexpectable. Respect ! (and I love that Spike Lee movie)

  3. Odd, odd labeling on the Star Wars set. The Tusken Raiders couldn't care less about the Empire or the Rebellion, and Snaggletooth on the right (to use the classic term) was a drunk...nothing more, nothing less.

  4. FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE! (Do the Right Thing is up there on my list of favorite movies.)

  5. I got a box of randomness in my war with Wes too. I'm thankful Gigli was not part of it.